Change.

Change... It's weird to actually think about it and actually slow down and realize what it means.

This seems to be a word that is said all too often... and too quickly without us really thinking about it.

The definition is to, "make or become different." But does change mean that it is always good? Can't change be bad? An illusion that we have the strength to do it on our own and "fix things"... When the woman was caught adultery, what did Jesus say? Did He yell at her and tell to change?...

There are a couple of passages in Matthew that have always stuck out to me and it is where Jesus quotes Hosea 6:6 and says, "I desire mercy, not sacrifice."

I realized something the other day when I spoke to you... I no longer felt comfortable talking to you. You felt cold and distant...

That quote that Jesus made really stuck out to me when I thought about our conversation... "I desire mercy, not sacrifice."

The definition of mercy is, "compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm."

If you read it a few times, then it starts to settle in.

It's really easy to harm people and not show mercy because we don't feel like we need to.

I am going to ask you something very serious.

Do you know what it's like to show mercy? Not only to others, but to yourself?...

You wrote a blog awhile back that made me sick.

You tried to pin your problems on someone else.

Your father.

Honestly, I found the whole blog disturbing. I don't know if I have been more angry at you for saying such things about a man, whom you seem to have so much respect for and that I have only heard great things about. I know it's easier to point fingers to make the blame fall less on you, but I think you missed what your dad was showing you. He wasn't showing you that all men are that way. He was showing you the qualities to look for in a man who will really love you.

To be honest, I am sad that I never met your dad. I always really wanted to... Because I knew the day that I did I would be telling him how much I cared about you and why.

Maybe one day you will wake up... But I don't know if I will be there to see it.

Love exists on a much deeper level than I feel like you understand sometimes... It's what I feel for you, but I don't know if I am in love with a girl who can't even talk to me about what she feels in her heart anymore, let alone how her day was.

I heard something the other day that said, "they say you should see the red flags, but it's hard when you are wearing rose colored glasses and in love." The other character responded with, "well that's what happens when you don't really know me."

I thought I knew you, but I am not so sure anymore...

Voices.

I really want to move. 

I want to be somewhere I feel like is a part of me. I want belong and be surrounded by something that resonates with me in my heart. 

I think it's time to start seeing where that place might be. I have been thinking about this for months and this it's time for some serious consideration. Doesn't mean it will happen right away, but I want to find it and I think it's time to start remembering that He is in control and He will provide the opportunity. 

So I pray that he would lead me to the places that I need to see and call me to the place I feel like I am meant to find. 

Lord, help me find this and provide for me in this time. 

Voices by Sturgill Simpson 

Life We Chose

This week has been interesting...

One of the bands that I really have enjoying lately just put out a new album this week. As I sat at my desk the other day listening to their new EP... The lyrics struck a chord in me. My mind became filled with questions about my life.

I am not the worrying type... I am a more of a "go with the flow" type of person. On Tuesday, I wasn't that person. I think I had a panic attack. I started breathing very quickly. I text one of my best friends and he proceeded to ask me if I was having a, what am I doing with my life moment.... I was.

I have been fortunate and I have been successful at the things that I have done. I have been employed ever since I got out of college. I make a decent living... But the truth is I never thought I would be doing this. This was never my dream. Was it an opportunity? Yes, and I am thankful for it.

But while sitting at my desk and listening to these songs I realized I want more than this. I need time to pray and thing about what this means and where this puts me.... but I need to figure out what is going on inside of me.

I pray His guidance will be with me.

I know He is there for me.


The album was, Life We Chose by Jared & The Mill

Words....

These past few months have been interesting. My heart seems to have its days where no matter what I do I can't shake one thought that sits in the corner of my mind. 

And that is... What do I really mean to you?

I mean why are you so afraid or ashamed to care about me?

In any capacity. 

I have made this point before... But relationships do not become stronger by cutting them off... They weaken. 

I am not close with people or God because I didn't try to do something about them. 

I am close to you because I let you into my life and vice versa. 

You said I am one of the people that you care about the most and yet you fill your life with other people... And lock me out with something to gain by doing so?

The funny thing is this... This is what you always do. You lock up when things begin to feel real and that you would have to admit that you feel more. You hid yourself away from me returning to the only thing you know... Which is keeping me at arms length because you see how close I have gotten. Like it snuck up on you. 

You always try to hide and try to patch up all these old wounds yourself. 

I never set out to fix you. 

I set out to love you. 

Maybe that idea is forgein to you, but it doesn't make it any less real.

I think you missed what I was truly asking you to be... I was asking you to be... You. 

The girl who always opened up to me. Who let me be there for her. The girl who made me laugh. The girl who I have seen sad. The girl who cares about me.

I just wish we could talk. 

I miss you.

The Truth.

When I drive home I tend to think about you and why things are like this.

I read some of the things that had been written recently.

The things that matter in this life are sharing it those whom you care about and loving Him.

You miss the point all the time.

You care about me because I cared about you.... Not just because of what I said, but because of my actions.

That's why you heart struggles with it, but you constantly try to stomp it out because you don't like being vulnerable and you are afraid of someone truly accepting you. You know deep down that's why you aren't talking to me. It isn't lust. It is love you feel for me and that is scary to you. Always has been scary for you.

What do we have to gain by slamming the door on something that's matters to us?

I don't think you have ever placed me above Him and I don't feel like I was on a pedestal.

The truth is that I love you. You matter because of who He showed me who you are.

I wish you would realize that you can't stop something that He has put on your heart.

Serving.

There a lot of things in my life that I have been realizing lately. 

I was going through my room and cleaning the other day when I came upon some old music charts from when I did waiting room with Tyler. I text him about it and we started to talk about how much we enjoyed doing that. I truly do miss it... Quite a bit actually.

I quit playing in church probably about a year ago and even then it was for a church that wasn't really a church I wanted to go to, but I did it more as a favor to a friend. Most people would be like well you like playing guitar and that's why you miss it. While that is partially true... in reality I don't break out my guitar very often. 

The thing is that I know that it is a gift that He has given me and it is one way I can serve Him. I feel called to start serving again. 

So I am asking for those doors to open and to volunteer doing that again. 

Some of the messages at New City Church (where I have been going to church) recently have hit home with where I am and I think it is time to act. I want to experience what He has to offer to me. 

I pray that things are going well for you and that He is showing more of who He is and what He is calling you to. 

Maybe...we can talk more about this all someday.

"Time is a tyrant. It consumes choices left unmade."

Open my eyes...

I feel like I have been awakened... 

That this life is GOOD because HE IS GOOD... 

There are times where you think you know so much... 

But you really don't. 

You will never have all the answers...

And the truth is you don't need them all.

If you knew the answer to everything... Then where is the mystery? Where is the adventure of learning? 

God doesn't call me to know everything, but He does call me to trust Him... and to follow Him when He leads. 

This life moves faster than sometimes we want to admit. While some days drag on... Before we know it another year has gone by... And before we know it has been several years... 

There is so much I want from this life... Things I want see... Places I want to go... Things I want to experience... to grow in my relationship with Christ... and someone to share all this with... 

I am a simple man. I know I could go do these things on my own... But I don't just want stories. I want memories to share and remember with that someone who means the most to me... and to always be making more memories. 

Father, you are the only one who truly knows my heart and you know the concerns of my heart, my desires, my faults, my failures... and yet you love me wholly for who I am. I ask that your love would wash over my heart. I am broken and hurt... But you are there. I ask that you would give me what I need and that you would open my eyes. May the scales fall from my eyes to see what you really have in store for me. I am so thankful for your love for me. 

Amen... 

"This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization

It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away

Your love will be

Safe with me..."